Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
