yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
