I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
