I haven't been this sober since birth.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
