sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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