i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
