that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
