'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
