I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
