How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
