sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
