I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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