there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
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