spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
