If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
