She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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