I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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