I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
