Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
