I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
That was before I lit my hair on fire
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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