New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
