allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My liver just had a heart attack.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
