My sheets look like a crime scene.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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