im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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