too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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