??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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