im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
