How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
