We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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