i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
