My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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