So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
