found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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