god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
