Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
