i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
