It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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