Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
