he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
