also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
