i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Panties = found
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
