I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
