If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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