that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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