My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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