so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
