You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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