I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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