Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
