you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
How drunk are you?
Completed.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
