it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
